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Raiton13



Joined: 27 Apr 2010
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Location: netherlands

PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 10:53 am
Post subject: World Whisperers
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here is some lore about World Whisperers its a idea for a fantasy novel im working on , feedback plz!

World Whisperers

Those that channel the power of unity (with nature , the universe etc.)
and use it for warfare , medicine , espionage and such

World Whisperers generaly know 2 or 3 major powers or ''Whispers''
what kind of Whispers one knows depends on the stars and constelations he or she is born under

some whispers are:

Stormcaller's Whisper: the user shoots out a jet of fire and Lightning , which can be manipulated at will if the user is skilled enough.

Phantom's Whisper: the user becomes invisible (can still be seen a bit tho)

Death's Whisper: the user get's an Aura which suffocates life.(?)

Whisper of Empathy: user can heal flesh wounds , if skilled enough one can heal broken bones and sometimes even internal injury.

Guardian's Whisper: user summons a guardian of Nature (?)


P.s. if theres a (?) behind something im not entirly sure about it
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Raiton13



Joined: 27 Apr 2010
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Location: netherlands

PostPosted: Tue Apr 27, 2010 11:18 am
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sorry i forgot to read before posting.
pot gets the best of me sometimes , sorry!
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TamAlthor
The Zeppo


Joined: 09 Nov 2006
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Location: Alberta Canada

PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 10:30 am
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So the concept certainly has potential, however who is able to channel this power? is it learned? does it happen natually by instinct, what are the costs of using the power ie drains a characters phyiscal and mental endurance? or makes them more evil or more good?

What is the conflict? is it a part of the power the characters use? what sort or world is this? a medieval type setting? dystopian future, A modern world like we live in now? Steam punk?

it is nice to see the powers and what they do, just give us a little more?

do you have a sample or a teaser of what you have written or are you world/character building right now? if so do you have some profiles or an essay we can read to learn more about your world and characters?


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Raiton13



Joined: 27 Apr 2010
Posts: 5
Location: netherlands

PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 1:32 pm
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i just started working on this , at the moment i'm creating a world.
its a medieval setting in a world called Rashanoton

The strongest Whisperer ever was Archwhisperer Yruga.
He knew 5 different Whispers, he died at the age of 29/
Yruga was also the one who foresaw the coming of the Light Whisperer (the one who will bring Unity)

those that are able to channel this power are born with it although it's not passed on.
these children show their first sign of power is visible at birth as they do not cry.
also World Whisperer's are skilled at all languages , they can speak perfect english at the age of 6 month's.

at the age of 18 a world whisperer will be set out on his rite of passage from which he or she will return with a weapon forged by synchronisation
and can channel these power; for instance if one would use the Stormcallers Whisper with a Unity Bow , it will shoot out a fire and lightning arrow.

using their powers drains mental stability and if used to much or if too powerfull for a person to handle it will cause Rampant synchronisation.
Rampant sync. causes a person to be absorbed by nature (e.i. desintegrate)


Whispers (more and redone) with their respective Birth Signs
still need 3 more though

Stormcaller's Whisper
Birth Signs: Aries - Taurus
effect: the user shoots out a jet of fire and Lightning , which can be manipulated at will if the user is skilled enough.

Phantom's Whisper
Birth Signs: Taurus - Gemini
Effect: the user becomes almost invisible

Deathbringer's Whisper
Birth Signs: Gemini - Cancer
Effect: the user gets an Aura which suffocates life.

Whisper of Empathy
Birth Signs: Cancer - Leo
Effect: user can heal flesh wounds , if skilled enough one can heal broken bones and sometimes even internal injury.

Guardian's Whisper
Birth Signs: Leo - Virgo
Effect: user summons a guardian of Nature

Earthbreaker's Whisper
Birth Sign: Virgo - Libra
Effect: User sends out an earthquake which causes stone spikes to stab out from the ground around him.
when skilled enough spikes can be summoned wherever the world whisperer wants.

Frostbite Whisper
Birth Sign: Libra - Sagittarrius
Effect: User breathes out a cloud of freezing cold water vapor
cauzing anything that comes in contact with it to freeze


Mind's Eye Whisper
Birth Sign: Sagittarrius - Aquarius
Effect: user can look anywhere within a limit (limit is determined by the sense of Unity and training of a World Whisperer)

Kraken's Whisper
Birth Sign: Aquarius - Capricorn
Effect: user summons a whirlpool (of whatever material there may be around; earth would cause a rock whirlpool)

??? Whisper
Birth Sign: Capricorn - Pisces
Effect:???

??? Whisper
Birth Sign: Pisces - Scorpio
Effect:???

??? Whisper
Birth Sign: Scorpio - Aries
Effect: ???

some stuff i got is:

The Divided Desert
An area the size of Brazil divided between hundreds of different clans whom have been at war for centurys.
The borders have changed so many times that noone actually knows where the borders are.

Surrounding this desert are the Nyburrow Mountains.
In the middle of these mountains, lies a crater the size of France.
Caused by Archwhisperer Yruga in his last attempt to rid the world of Lord Narahizon.
Yruga was overcome by synchronisation in the process.

In the years after Narahizon rebuilt his fortress in the middle of the crater
and named it Yruga's Demise, to remind the people of Rashanoton of his invincibility.
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BolleBass



Joined: 28 Apr 2010
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Location: The Netherlands

PostPosted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 7:07 pm
Post subject: Nice one man!
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I like it alot ! it has some real potential so we gotta let our minds loose on this one , we already talked about this in person but hahah im still into the idea that when Rampant synchronisation occurs someone is "absorbed/unified" completely , up to the very elementairy particles that make up all the atoms of that person ( since unity to the deepest level of reality , leads to beyond the thing they observe as reality. You could call it .. Quantum level , metaphysical :P) So basically , a path that leads to synchronicity means that you suffer a fate much worse than death. You could implement something like a universal belief of the soul in the world , or certain factions but i shouldnt wander from my point here.
Basically , synchronisation means that your very soul Disintegrates back into nature and is ceased to exist. But dont forget man , this is your thing im just trying to think of some cool stuff you could use!

And that little bit you told me about Yruga and Narahizon sounded Awesome, But i do think there should be a more current conflict.
You could for example go for that Light Whisperer you were talking about
Maybe he has come and ( and lets just be original ) he isnt innit for the unity :P catch my drift hahah XD The story could be about someone who began with absolutely nothing , No child of prophecy or a prince(ss) of some sorts. I find myself stuck on a thought now tho, i mean there would have to be something that sparks the fire figuratively spoken..Maybe something along the line of someone that was born in a faction that no longer exists ( :O could even be in that Divided Desert you were talking about ) and decides to fight to end the long lasted conflict. That person Could be from a Hidden Whisper maybe ? but typing this has taken me quite some time and i should head to bed hahaha XD

I like the fact that you went for a medieval setting , seems like an interesting path to travel on, the way your pen should be draggin ;)
Anyways man , Il talk to you tomorrow!
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Raiton13



Joined: 27 Apr 2010
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Location: netherlands

PostPosted: Thu Apr 29, 2010 7:17 am
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maybe something like this:

The Archwhisperer is the leader of the Voices of the Void.
A selected group of World Whisperers whom make decisions about research on or with help of Unity. (and warfare , espionage, etc.)
they are called Void Whisperers.
Every Void Whisperer has atleast 1 or 2 ?Force of Will Divisions?,
which consist of 5 Whisperer Detachments.
every Whisperer Detachment consists of 5 *insert name here* Whisperers

Narahizon was Yruga's predecessor.
Catch my drift :P
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Raiton13



Joined: 27 Apr 2010
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Location: netherlands

PostPosted: Fri Apr 30, 2010 1:21 pm
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Chapter 1: A Stab in the Back

The night was still young , the sky was cloudless and filled with stars.
It was silent in the streets of Altryn , home of the Whisperers Sanctum.

World Whisperers came here after their rite of passage , to recieve orders from the Voices from the Void.
Most of them were sent of to join up with the 7th army , to command or help on the front line to fight the roiting people of Rashanoton.

They had united under the command of Fojin , who had been beaten by the Will Whisperers of Archwhisperer Narahizon.
Thus everyone was certain the war would be over soon.

Only Void Whisperer Yruga one of the 7 Voices of the Void members felt anxious.
He couldn't help but feel the coming of a second storm , one far worse than Fojin could ever have created.

He had tried to use Mind's Eye Whisper but it was useless , he saw nothing beyond this frame of time.

The Voices were no help to him either Archwhisperer Narahizon simply ignored his comments.

After the meeting was adjourned , Yruga went to see Narahizon in private.

´You know more then you say you know` Yruga whispered.

Narahizon smirked , ´i know nothing at all my friend , i suggest you stop questioning me , lest you might be banished from the Voices.`

Yruga's heart froze , ´Good day , Archwhisperer.` he replied and vanished from his sight.

Yruga felt Darkness clamping onto him , like a leech on his host.
it wouldn't take long for yruga to be proven right..


´...Whisperers of the Altryn , long have i put up with your ignorance, BUT NO MORE!` Narahizon's voice thundered.

´...today i shall beatdown those who oppose me and claim lordship over Rashanoton!`

Narahizon paused , now the only thing to be heard were the faint screams of death.

´...your Voices will not be hear..`

An explosion interupted Narahizon , as fighting started to break out between the betrayers and the Forces of Will.

A Silhoutte appeared in the smoke of the blast , the betrayers kept their cool until they saw it was Void Whisperer Yruga.

´altairo` he whispered.

for a second darkness was banished as a massive fireball was flung towards the betrayers.

Most of them ran away in panick , some were petrified in fear.

only two of them were left to fight the strongest Void Whisperer.

´Sculptoris` one of them whispered , the earth cracked open and a giant statue of stone rose up from the ground.

it raised its shield in attempt to block the fireball but in vain.

The statue shattered under the force of the blast.

A few betrayers got taken down by the shrapnel , one of those that were fighting stood too close to the blast and got vaporized by the extreme heat.

Narahizon´s voice filled everyones ears again.

´Scatter!´ he yelled.

Suddenly the betrayers vanished and Altryn went quiet again , as if nothing had happened.

The Voices were called for an emergency meeting.

only 4 of the 7 Void Whisperers showed up.

Nakinto , Erstuin , Lillinea and Yruga himself.

´where are the others?` Yruga asked Nakinto.

´Hegath and Gadina have betrayed us , Ijotine was murdered in her sleep.´ he replied

´This is an outrage , why did we not see this coming?` Erstun questioned out loud.

Yruga turned to Lillinea , ´how many Will Whisperers did we lose?´

Lillinea waited for a few seconds , trying to shake of her disbelief.

´Hegath and Gadina´s Forces of Will followed their lead , your Force is unhardmed except for a few scratches.

I have lost 2 Will Whisperers , Nakinto and Erstuin have both lost 4 of their whisperers.´

Erstuin sighed , ´do we have any new recruits?` he asked.

Lillinea responded , ´we have none that are skilled enough , most of them haven´t even had their Rite of Passage.`

´And what about the leader , we need a new Archwhisperer.´ Nakinto prompted.

Lillinea nodded as did Yruga.

´But Who?´ Erstuin asked.

Nakinto looked up and said without hesitation; ´it should be Yruga...´

´And so it shall be.´ Lillinea spoke.

´What should we do?´ Erstuin asked of Yruga.

Yruga nodded;´This is the plan´ , he said , ´i will be departing tomorrow,
while im gone , you three call upon any skilled enough to be Will
Whisperers.´

The other three nodded , Nakinto and Erstuin left.

´Where are you going?`Lillinea asked Yruga.

´I'm sorry , i can't tell you but it will become clear to you soon....'




hope you liked it :D
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LunaRaven



Joined: 30 Jun 2008
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PostPosted: Mon May 03, 2010 2:18 am
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Raiton13 wrote:
maybe something like this:

The Archwhisperer is the leader of the Voices of the Void.
A selected group of World Whisperers whom make decisions about research on or with help of Unity. (and warfare , espionage, etc.)
they are called Void Whisperers.
Every Void Whisperer has atleast 1 or 2 ?Force of Will Divisions?,
which consist of 5 Whisperer Detachments.
every Whisperer Detachment consists of 5 *insert name here* Whisperers

Narahizon was Yruga's predecessor.
Catch my drift :P


I find it interesting enough. It's a pretty original idea, and I see some potential. I will say that at the moment it sounding more like the premise for an RPG game than a story(all the birth signs, different divisions, effects and all that), but no one can fault you for being thorough. I'll post my opinions and suggestions about your first chapter in a few hours, after I do my raveny errands. Don't stop brainstorming though--if you're on a roll keep going until you hit a big, onboxious wall with attitude problems. You know, the ones who think their grout doesn't stain and insult other walls' cracks to make itself feel better.
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LunaRaven



Joined: 30 Jun 2008
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PostPosted: Thu May 27, 2010 8:55 am
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A thousand pardons. I promised an overview of your story and I got so bogged down with work that the idea just flew out of my feathery head. Anywho, here's my first impressions on your work and remember, all critiques are constructive and meant to help build your writing opposed to tear it down. I won't completely work shop the entire text. I'll just point out certain areas that I think need the most attention or areas where I see potential, and if there are some recurring problems( like grammar,sentence structure, or wording) I'll point out an example and tell you how I would go about improving it. Here we go

Chapter 1: A Stab in the Back

Quote:
The night was still young , the sky was cloudless and filled with stars.
It was silent in the streets of Altryn , home of the Whisperers Sanctum.
World Whisperers came here after their rite of passage , to recieve orders from the Voices from the Void.
Most of them were sent of to join up with the 7th army , to command or help on the front line to fight the roiting people of Rashanoton.

First off, I like the titles and the names. They aren't too difficult to pronounce, but not too normal or commonplace. In the second sentence, you forgot to add the apostrophe after the 's' in Whisperes' Sanctum(the apostrophe here is on the end of the word, because you're refereing to something owned by more than one person).It's a simple mistake, we all make them. Don't sweat about it when your in the flow of writing, just be mindful of it when you backtrack. And if worse comes to worse, that's what open forums like this are for. In the third sentence, you mention that the Word Whisperes came here after their rite of passage. Where is here? Did you mean the city, or the Sanctum? You should clarify, perhaps by writing something like:
"World Whisperes traveled to the Sanctum of Altryn after overcoming their rite(s) of passage in order to recieve guidance from the Voices from hte Void".
You may want to go on then by writing briefly about the Voices from the Void. It doesn't have to be too complex because you can delve into greater detail later on. Just a brief summary of their importance to the World Whisperes and their role. In the fourth sentence of your story, you mention the seventh army. You also meniton "joining up" with. Do you mean to imply that they work along side the army as seperate forces, or did you want to say that they became a part of the seventh army. Why were the people of Rashanoton rioting? Did the Whisperes use only force to help tame them? Or is there some diplomacy involved?

Quote:
They had united under the command of Fojin , who had been beaten by the Will Whisperers of Archwhisperer Narahizon.
Thus everyone was certain the war would be over soon.

Who had united? All World Whisperes, or just the ones who became tied to the seventh army? Or perhaps you mean the people of Rashanoton?They is incredibly vague, as you have mentioned more than one possible "theys". Please clarify. If the later is correct, you could write something like:
"The people of Roshanoton, long wearied by plagues,civil conflict, and famine, united under the command of Fojin, who promised them relief from suffering and ascension into power. Fojin, a truly dastardly man who lusted for nothing but power and absolute control, was soon beaten by the infamous Will Whisperes of the Archwhisperer Narahizon"
Mind you, this may not line up with exactly what you were thinking. But it does display how you could become a little more detailed and tell more about your villains,heros, and fighters with some simple but well placed wording.

Quote:
Only Void Whisperer Yruga one of the 7 Voices of the Void members felt anxious.
He couldn't help but feel the coming of a second storm , one far worse than Fojin could ever have created.
He had tried to use Mind's Eye Whisper but it was useless , he saw nothing beyond this frame of time.
The Voices were no help to him either Archwhisperer Narahizon simply ignored his comments.

Why was Yruga the only one who felt anxious? You later go one to mention a meeting being adjourned, but you never mentioned the meeting beginning in the first place. Why did they meet? Was it so Yruga could discuss his anxiety? Or were they discussing what to do with the now leaderless Roshanoton people? You mention the Mind's Eye Whisper, but you don't really give the readers any idea what that is. You may want to clarifly a bit, again briefly as you can go into greater detail later, so as not to make the reader feel like they've missed something vital. Why did Narahizon ignore his comments? Did they not have good standing between eachother? Were they, perhaps, a bit of rivals? Or maybe Narahizon was just pigheaded, or blinded by his recent victory. You need to let the readers know why these seemingly vise voices and this seemingly powerful man would simply ignor another presumably respected man's warnings. Later to make clear Narahizon's deception, but you may want to hint at it a little earlier. Or perhaps give the readers the exact opposite impression so they are surprised by the revalation.




Quote:
Narahizon smirked , ´i know nothing at all my friend , i suggest you stop questioning me , lest you might be banished from the Voices.`
Yruga's heart froze , ´Good day , Archwhisperer.` he replied and vanished from his sight.
Yruga felt Darkness clamping onto him , like a leech on his host.
it wouldn't take long for yruga to be proven right..

In the dialogue in the first sentence, too many commas are used. Break up your sentences, just like a person breaks up their dialogue when they speak. You may want to further the interaction as well, like,
"Narahizon gave a tight smile and said, rather sweetly, "I know nothing at all my friend". Yruga met the Archwhispere's stare and examined the other man's eyes. Behind the false lair of sincerity and benevolence lied something hidden. Something fowl, Yruga thought. And this thought, more so than any other thought he had considered throughout the increasingly heated dialogue, gravely distrubed him. What came next only served to confirm his fears. Narahizon, taking note of Yruga's pause, took a decidedly less sweet note. Coldly he said,
"For the benefit of your health, dear friend, I strongly suggest that you forget this superstitious line of reasoning. Lest you desire to be banished from the Voices." Yruga felt darkness clamping ontim, like a the way a leech firmly holds its host. The suspicions that had begun to surface in Yugra since the Roshanoton war were suddenly invigorated and strengthened. Suspicions that would soon be proven to be painfully true."

The combination of 'lest','you', and 'might' just do not function well together. 'Lest' is a rather tricky, but fun word to use. It can be used as if to say 'unless' or 'that'. In both cases, it just didn't work well with the orginal sentence because it was as if you were writing, "unless/that you might be banished". I encourage the use of older words, I love to use them in writing myself. But before I use them, I usually double check on their various meanings and observe a few sample sentences. When it doubt, there's always dictionary.com.

Quote:
Narahizon paused , now the only thing to be heard were the faint screams of death.

Why were there faint screams of death? Are people dying? Why? What's killing them? And when people die, do they usually scream faintly?


Quote:
An explosion interupted Narahizon , as fighting started to break out between the betrayers and the Forces of Will.
A Silhoutte appeared in the smoke of the blast , the betrayers kept their cool until they saw it was Void Whisperer Yruga.

Did the explosion interrupt just while the two forces were fighting? Or did the two forces begin to fight after the explosion? How many betrayers were there? Did Narahizon have followers? What type of followers were they?

Quote:
for a second darkness was banished as a massive fireball was flung towards the betrayers.

When did it become so dark?

Quote:
only two of them were left to fight the strongest Void Whisperer.
´Sculptoris` one of them whispered , the earth cracked open and a giant statue of stone rose up from the ground.
it raised its shield in attempt to block the fireball but in vain.
The statue shattered under the force of the blast.
A few betrayers got taken down by the shrapnel , one of those that were fighting stood too close to the blast and got vaporized by the extreme heat.

Writting fights can be difficult. Indeed, i'm not very skilled at writting battles myself. But I have read it done very well, and what I can suggest is more vivid detail and description. You're probably trying to relay how fast and intense this battle is, so you opted to use fewer words. But in order to give readers a sense of real conflict, you have to be able to really relay a battle in great detail. For instance:
"Only two of Narahizon's betrayers stood tall and faced the Void Whisperer.
"Sculptoria" one of the figures whispered. The ground shook in protest, and the earth between the betrayers and Yruga cracked and fissured, unleashing a giant stone warrior. The seemingly inanimate stone sprang to life, bringing its shield to a defensive position. Yruga responded to this new threat with a tremendous ball of fire, hurrtling the flame towards the stone sentinel. The giant, upon it's master's command, attempted to block the fire with it's craggy(not sure if that's a real word) shield. It was in vain, and the ball of enchanted fire undid the giant and sent his ruins off into all directions. Several betrayers, ones who had not thought to run farther or to seek better shelter, were taken down by the shrapnel. On of the two fiends that had been bold enough to stand again Yruga, the one who did not have a stone giant to hid behind, vaporized in the extreme heat.



Quote:
Suddenly the betrayers vanished and Altryn went quiet again , as if nothing had happened.

did Narahizon vanish as well?


Quote:
´I'm sorry , i can't tell you but it will become clear to you soon....'
Why can't he tell her? Does he even know, or is he trying to reassure her by aluding to a plan?

Overall I find it to be an interesting concept. Betrayl always makes for a good story. There are some things I want you to keep in mind. Number one, there are a few grammar snafoos that pop up during your writing like incomplete thoughts, comma splices, and tense shifting. These are all things that can be fixed later, but you should still keep them in the back of your mind. Especially tense changing, as that will most certainly disturb the entire tone of your story. Additonally, you've proven that you've thought this story through with the above posts. However, in your writting your assuming that everyone has read all your explanations already. Don't assume. New readers won't know any of those facts and breakdowns unless you work them into your story's description. The last thing I'd say you need to work on is filler information. You were really breezing through the bare bones of your plot without a lot of filler detail. A story really is like a skeleton. If you give us just the bones for a story teller, all we have is a dead lump of calcium. You have to add tendons,ligaments,muscles,organs, and an overall appearence to make a story good. As they say, you need to "flesh" an idea out. *snorts*
So just keep my critiques in mind, do what you will with them and know that they were given in good spirit. I hope to see a revised draft in the future.
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